Since I was a little girl I enjoyed spending time on my own. I used to go out to the meadows and hide in the tallest grass between wild flowers where nobody could find me. Most of the time I was alone, playing with my dolls, drawing fairies and princesses, making up stories or simply daydreaming. Eventually I got too big so I couldn’t hide in the grass anymore, but I still needed lots of “me time” and to be honest lately I was lacking it a lot.
It all started 3 years ago when I moved in with my boyfriend and we started our home business. Since then we where together most of the time. First it was great because we were in love and it seemed to us that together we are able to do great things. …Now I understand that it is better to do small things with great love…. But I learned a lot, gained some new skills and I enjoyed working as a web designer more then I thought I would. But after a while I started to miss “my own little world”. I kept dreaming about having a small studio where I could work on my own and make my dreams come true, I just couldn’t afford it. So I continued to draw and paint my mandalas in the living room and later in our home office – always lacking space, silence and most of all being alone. Years have passed and my life and relationship got more and more heavier. I wasn’t able to go on like this anymore. I started to hate my work, I felt stuck and I wanted to change my life for good.
“Back to the roots”
Every once in a while we need to sort things out and start over and I knew that it was time for me to do so. So I made a decision and temporary moved back to my parents house. It wasn’t an easy decision, but it seemed the best option. The last time I lived here was 5 years ago. Since then my room was empty, I only slept in it a couple of times. A good friend visited me last Christmas and she told me that there was no life left in my room. She was right, I felt it too. So first I needed to change this. I began with cleaning out the clutter and trowing away most of my old, worn clothes. I didn’t even had a desk but my dad kindly offered me his. Finally I was able to set up a nice and cozy space where I can work. I also set up a new altar and I brought in some lilac from the garden, lit a candle and for the first time in 3 years I felt deeply relaxed. As I saw my “new studio” filled again with beautiful, relaxing energies I was also able to find the same beauty within me and I felt my huge creative block finally melting away.
I don’t know if it is good or bad to feel like this. I just need space and finally I was giving attention to my needs. It was quite difficult but I managed to put myself first. It was about time…
I think that it is very important to be honest with yourself and be yourself even if you are a little different or even strange sometimes. One can’t find happiness by pretending to be someone “better” or “worse” than he/she really is. To understand this I had to go trough a lot, I had to learn a lot and I had to suffer a lot. We are who we are and we have to accept ourselves completely, then we can change the things that can be changed, learn to love the things we can’t change and understand the difference between them.
Now I spend most of my time outdoors: enjoying this years beautiful Spring, helping my mom with the garden and most importantly putting my life back in order. I am more than thankful to my boyfriend for accepting my decision and giving me so much freedom and loving support. He is the most kind and wonderful person I know. I think he don’t realize how great he is. He does his best to pretend that he is a computer geek, but in his soul he is a great artist and I hope some day he will also find courage to “start over” and make room again for his music, drawing and all the great ideas he has… But that’s up to him, I can’t do anything about it. I have to live my own life and write my own story. I have to sing my own song.
So here I am sitting in my room, writing and listening to the voices of the night. The Sun was shining and it was warm outside when I started to write this post, now it’s nearly midnight. Still everything smells of Spring. I don’t know how long can I stay here but I am trying to enjoy my “me time” as much as I can!
The reason I decided to share my story with you is that sometimes we all come to a point in our lives from where it seems impossible to move forward. We are desperately searching for something, a guiding light to show us the way. In order to find it, we sometimes need to take a brake, nurture ourselves more and make space for the things we simply enjoy doing. Sometimes an hour is enough to regain our strength, but sometimes we need more time to heal: it can take weeks, maybe months, or even a year. It’s essential to give ourselves as much time as it takes to completely regenerate and transform, because if we ignore our natural needs we suffer and eventually become depressed or physically ill. If this happens we mustn’t be ashamed of it, because we all make mistakes, we all experience suffering and failure. It’s never too late to stand up and start over! Don’t be too proud to admit if you are in pain or tired and take some time for yourself. We all deserve happiness and life is to short to be lived in misery, yet long enough to fix our mistakes and pull ourselves back together. So enjoy your “time” as much as you can and do what makes your Spirit fly! If you feel that you need some time to be alone, than be. Those who love you will understand! Never forget that the most important relationship is the one with yourself. So be your best friend!
Thank you for reading!